is there anybody who at least *pretends* that cares for me?
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I'm gonna fight the war and use my music as a weapon!
I'm gonna fight the war and use my music as a weapon!
15 February 2008 @ 02:46 pm
i was away from the internet for a while... sorry to make some of you worried.
Everything's right at the moment... but last two weeks were pure chaos. Many things got resolved but many became even more complicated than it were before... but i am happy that important things are going in the right direction. As you know, the "important things" mean V. And you know? I think we will be toghether again. Everything looks like we're finally learning what we want and what we need. Everything starts to look promising... but I don't want to rush.
doesn't that sound freaky?
haha, i don't know what i want. But now... guess who i am dreaming about every night?
falling in love for a first time with a person with whom you were already. haha.
Everything's right at the moment... but last two weeks were pure chaos. Many things got resolved but many became even more complicated than it were before... but i am happy that important things are going in the right direction. As you know, the "important things" mean V. And you know? I think we will be toghether again. Everything looks like we're finally learning what we want and what we need. Everything starts to look promising... but I don't want to rush.
doesn't that sound freaky?
haha, i don't know what i want. But now... guess who i am dreaming about every night?
falling in love for a first time with a person with whom you were already. haha.
30 January 2008 @ 08:19 pm
Try to let this die...
We'll never say goodbye.
I can't wait.
" relationship thoughtlessly addicting"
that's what we're in.
and we both are aware of that.
I'm the smoke from your fire
I'm that lie you can trust
I'm the chord on your guitar
I'm that girl you can't shut up
I'm that blood you might need
In your car when you speed
In that cigarette you breathe
You can't get rid of me
I just feel like just writting this down makes me feel a bit better.
Even if I am not feeling bad at the moment.
These are the thoughts that are recently in my mind and I feel like I have too much of them.
They need to be written somewhere. Maybe it's not the best place for them, but I just ...
Sorry for repeating myself, guys *weak smile*
" relationship thoughtlessly addicting"
I feel like tatooing it.
you were mine
and I was yours
for one night.
We'll never say goodbye.
I can't wait.
" relationship thoughtlessly addicting"
that's what we're in.
and we both are aware of that.
I'm the smoke from your fire
I'm that lie you can trust
I'm the chord on your guitar
I'm that girl you can't shut up
I'm that blood you might need
In your car when you speed
In that cigarette you breathe
You can't get rid of me
I just feel like just writting this down makes me feel a bit better.
Even if I am not feeling bad at the moment.
These are the thoughts that are recently in my mind and I feel like I have too much of them.
They need to be written somewhere. Maybe it's not the best place for them, but I just ...
Sorry for repeating myself, guys *weak smile*
" relationship thoughtlessly addicting"
I feel like tatooing it.
you were mine
and I was yours
for one night.
28 January 2008 @ 09:04 pm
26 January 2008 @ 05:22 pm
I can't have anything I want, they say I'm just too young but it's not my fault!
Is it really that much what I am asking for?
I want to look EXACTLY like I like to look. I want to dye my hair. I want to have piercings. I want to change my clothes and don't bother someone else's opinion. But NO. I am TOO YOUNG to do all of these things or my parents don't want me to do it. Why I am such a good girl? WHY, THE HELL? Why I am listening to all those people saying that black-purple hair would look bad or I can't do it because my school won't let me have my hair like that. Why I am listening t all that people who say that having my fingers and nails coloured looks shitty. Why I am listening to all those people who say that I would look bad with lip piercing.
WHY?
I used to always listen to my parents just because. Besides school, this is the only thing where they have nothing to say and I do what I want. And it's not that I was afraid to say "no" to them. I was just saying nothing because I didn't want to argue with them and make unpleasant atmosphere. But now I am a big girl already and i should stop listening to them just because they want me to do. I have my own opinion to say too. And in few years I won't be allowed to dress how I'd like to dress, and look how I'd like to look because of university, than because of work. It's the only period when I should do WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO. And look how I'd like to look.
But I stil keep going as it was.
And nothing will change.
I hate myself like that.
And I have no money, which extemely pisses me off. When I wil have some, I will do fourth ear piercing. I am still a good daughter, afraid to do one in my lip, because my paents would kick me out.
I suck.
Is it really that much what I am asking for?
I want to look EXACTLY like I like to look. I want to dye my hair. I want to have piercings. I want to change my clothes and don't bother someone else's opinion. But NO. I am TOO YOUNG to do all of these things or my parents don't want me to do it. Why I am such a good girl? WHY, THE HELL? Why I am listening to all those people saying that black-purple hair would look bad or I can't do it because my school won't let me have my hair like that. Why I am listening t all that people who say that having my fingers and nails coloured looks shitty. Why I am listening to all those people who say that I would look bad with lip piercing.
WHY?
I used to always listen to my parents just because. Besides school, this is the only thing where they have nothing to say and I do what I want. And it's not that I was afraid to say "no" to them. I was just saying nothing because I didn't want to argue with them and make unpleasant atmosphere. But now I am a big girl already and i should stop listening to them just because they want me to do. I have my own opinion to say too. And in few years I won't be allowed to dress how I'd like to dress, and look how I'd like to look because of university, than because of work. It's the only period when I should do WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO. And look how I'd like to look.
But I stil keep going as it was.
And nothing will change.
I hate myself like that.
And I have no money, which extemely pisses me off. When I wil have some, I will do fourth ear piercing. I am still a good daughter, afraid to do one in my lip, because my paents would kick me out.
I suck.
24 January 2008 @ 02:46 pm
I made 5 Kame icons ^_~
I watched Nobuta wo Produce and my fangirlism started to grow very fast xD" the icons are truly fangirlish too, sorry for that but I can't help it ^^"
( icons this way )
edit:
I'M IN LOVE WITH MY GUITAR! ^_________^
22 January 2008 @ 09:17 pm
It should make me happy to know that she's happy, had a great time with her friend and everything goes well.
I should smile while reading their comments that seem they are enjoying themselves.
I should be happy because when I was at her palce it always was "only good", something was missing. Now she's having a great fun.I feel bad.
And noone is here to talk to.
Everyone always find an excuse not to talk with me.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
dai_dai_chan thank you <3 i am feeling much better ^_~ 21 January 2008 @ 12:21 pm
My new layout is officially finished! o(^-^)b
I totally melted when I saw this photo... I just HAD to do a lay with it <3
I wanted to change the old one so many times already, but never had a time or motivation to do it- now I am ill so I have a lot of free time to play in photoshop and CSS... and the main motivation was the fact that I found this breath-taking pic of Totchi *melts again*
seriously, now I will be staring at my layout and doing NOTHING whole day xD"
Am I the only person in the world who is ill during about 1/4 of the schoolyear? However, I won't complain... if i am ill and I will stay at home for a week.. and next week my holidays start... it means that I will have about three weeks of freedom ^_~
Oh, and I skipped classes during whole last week. I was at school only for... four hours xD" that means almost four weeks of doing nothing. One month rest from school.
I rock! XD
17 January 2008 @ 07:25 pm
dai_dai_chanwanted me to upload some Polish music. I came up with Artrosis, gothic-metal band, which I was listening to about two years ago, while being passionate gothic fan. Since she still hadn't enough, I thought that I will upload something more of them... maybe you want to give them a try? Check how does Polish gothic scene sound like? ^^ They started their activity in 1996, as far as i know. Their style at frist was truly gothic, but lately became more electronic. Vocalist, Medeah, is a really nice person and has a good voice^^ I had a chance to be on their concert twice, and once I talked to her.. I liked one of their guitarists too, he was smiling to me whole one concert long...and generally being a dork for me because i payed all my attention to him and he had noticed it xD" too bad he left the band.
i have the songs in wma only. The thing that will show you as the title of the track, "sciezka [number]" MEANS "track [number]" and has nothing to do with the title xD
ok, enough of the introduction, here i come with my personal favourites..
[language question here: "lyrics" is/are countable or uncountable? =="]
CRAZY, an instrumental track.
NAZGUL. as far as i know, they have released three or four CDs where all the tracks were sung in English [i have no idea how to name this kind of release == gomen]. They were exact translations of the original, polish lyrics, but unfortunately I don't own any of the CDs... All I know is that they have put this song on one of them too. Too bad I don't have it; lyrics are very important for this band, and understanding them would probably be the main reason to like/don'tlike them.
The song itself is kind of a tribute to Lord of the Rings... as the title says, it is about Nazguls.
FETISH. just because I like it. gah, damn this untranslatable lyrics ==" but believe me, it's beautiful.
HIDDEN DIMENSION. i have no idea what lyrics are about in this one XD I mean, i understand them but they don't make any sense to me. Two or three lines are connected with each other, and the rest are just well-sounding phrases XD" i chose this one bcause of the music.
EMERALD NIGHT. The lyrics in this one SUCKS. Lucky you that you don't understand them, rly. Medeah must have been in a playful mood and told them "we will record THIS because i have a wish to do that. c'mon, everybody, now! yes, you've heard what i said, NOW! *points at the studio* any questions? no? goooood....." . And next day she woke up and thought "omfg what have i done" XD there is no other explanation for it XD but the music, especially in chorus, is good ^^
if don't know if you will like it, if you're not a gothic fan.. i was at that time and enjoyed it very much XD now i see that they aren't as perfect as i thought they were, but... I have good memories connected with their music. ^^
let me know if you liked it or not, I am very curious XD
EDIT:
Finished it, finally!
( drawing )
16 January 2008 @ 10:45 am
12 January 2008 @ 01:29 pm
Here is my leftovers list. I use the list as a bribe, but it I made it mostly to don't let my links to be lost. It will be updated when I will have any new files uploaded.
If you need the links uploaded on the other server, I can think of doing that xP Uploads are usually on mediafire [MF], sendspace [SS] or rapidshare [RS], but I can upload them on any ther server you want me to. At least I will try to do so.
You can share the links around, I don't mind, but please don't claim them as your own. Credits are nice but not necessary. And comments are always appreciated ^^
Last update: 12.01.2008
11 January 2008 @ 04:49 pm
OK, so I am officially DEAD right now. It is a miracle that I have some strenght left to write this, seriously.
I haven't had my laptop for all this week. WHOLE WEEK WITHOUT COMPUTER. And why? Because it broke up again. Again! stupid shit won't work well. Gah, It pisses me off! == I will have my laptop back in Monday, I suppose. Now I am working on the one my father left at home.
You'll say that it shouldn't be that bad if I had my dad's pc. But I had so many classes to pass this week that I couldn't sit here for a minute! RLY. Everyday I was going home, eating something, studying till I was completely exhaisted and going to bed. And next day the same. And next. Whole week without doing anything else. I can't imagine how I did that, but I passed all of my subjects! O_o" I mean... I had to pass from math, chemistry, physics, biology and.... physical education. I know, I know, I fail, but hey, in the end I passed all of them in ONE WEEK. I am a goddess, srsly. Or a god, if someone thinks of me as Toshiya... nevermind XD I made it and I were so fucking proud of myself that.. i made third ear piercing. If my mom discovers it, she will kick me out XD But I made it. And it is another thing to be proud of. I always were a good girl and... oh... well... erm... OK, not exactly... == forget this good girl == but anyway, I did the thing I always wanted to do. And it was so easy.... You know, dreams come true, even if they are only small wishes. That's good, isn't it? To know that you can do anything you want.
These things made me feel better. Much better, since lately I was very depressed about this school stuff. And some things with my friends were going wrong, but it is all right now. At least I think it is.
And I discovered that j-dramas are necessary EVIL XD You know, when I really HAD to study, I weren't doing it. I prefered watching Gokusen 2.... ^^"
<fangirl mode on> KAMEEEEEEEE! </fangilr mode off> XD
It's so silly, but I really had fun watching it! And I discovered that I really really like how Kame acts... he is too sweet for me. I don't like this kind of guys, and listening to KAT-TUN hurt my ears, but... but unexpectedly I liked Kame so much! XD I have to dl all the dramas he had played in [I know, this is gonna take forever..but who cares] XD He made me watch second serie of Gokusen without watching the first one.... xD And why? Because Kame weren't playing in first serie. So I downloaded only second. And I didn't care that in some episodes he is there for about... two minutes, I just had to watch it because of Kame. BAKA xD
So let's share the happiness.
I am going to read all LJ news from last week, which is gonna take forever... visit all the forums, check all my mails... gah, guys, you have no idea how much I have been missing you! <3
Jaa ne! *here Rieru is showing something with her fingers* [like Hayato in Gokusen. xD you should watch it if you want to waste some time laughing ^^]
26 December 2007 @ 02:37 pm
So... I just felt like posting here.
I am having a good time lately. Maybe it's good because i have nothing special to do, noone is forcing me to do something "important" ot "useful". Spending my days in front of computer is GOOD xD *hugs her laptop* and I finally have some time to draw. So far i have drawn... Hakuei *hides under the table* oh yes, noone were expecting that xD but my scanner died for some reason. Or it just decided to be a bitch when I wanted to submit the drawing on DA & here. And it makes me MAD. And my camera doesn't work too ==" It looks like all machines hate me at the moment.... xD So I will show my Hakuei drawing after long hours of begging the scanner to work. Same with my Christmas presents.. wanted to take pictures of it, BUT the camera refused to work with me. Stupid camera =="
So I just will list what i got^^
* Three books [which is very good, I haven't got the time to read lately and now I miss a good, well-written book <3]
* grapefruit stuff to get shower with xD [can't name it, sorry...but believe me, it smells georgeous ^^]
and the things i enjoy the most:
* HUGE fan [i mean, a thing] to hang on the wall. Black, with golden dragons painted on it :3 I TOTALLY love it!
* KIMONO. Yes yes, I couldn't believe it, but i got a kimono. It's such a beautiful thing.. I can't believe that i own something as beautiful as it is. It's black [which is a rather hard to find XD But since i am not wearing any other color, my parents were looking for a black one] with white and pinkish herons and some grass sewn on it. Luv luv <3
So it isn't hard to guess that i enjoyed by presents a LOT xD Hope everyone had as good presents as I had ;*
In Friday I am going to meet my, already ex-girlfriend. Again, this is gonna be only a one-day meeting, only few hours to spend toghether, but i am happy that we will have chance to meet. ^^ We had a loooong talk yesterday which started with laud laughs, went through hysteria and cries and ended up okay. it's so freaky, this kind of relation that we're in.... xD
But anyway, everything started to look better. Bright sides of life are stronger than the bad ones, so.. so finally everything started to go well. I'm glad.
( ~the camera worked for about...5 minutes~ )
EDIT 2:
( I revived my scanner! XD )
21 December 2007 @ 11:17 pm
I am in very Hakuei mood lately, which is a good thing.. XD
It all started from jrock RPG, where I wanted to play someone I've never played before. I needed someone with a really strong character, and i wanted to play a really hot seme this time XD After about three minutes of thinking who'd fit, I came up with Hakuei. I HAVEN'T KNEW HIM. I just knew how does he look like, and thought that his image fits my imaginations, so I've chosen him as my character.
And since that time, I totally fell in love with his appearance XD
Oh, come on, how could I NOT like him if he looks like THAT.
While registering at the RPG, I had no idea how does he sing like. i must say that i am quite shocked. I listened to few penicillin albums and his solo works, and..I can't understand how can be possible that a guy with a badass-image like Hakuei has such a high-ranged, soft voice O_o" it just doesn't fit him in my opinion.. the voice sounds good, but when I remind myself that it's Hakuei's singing, I immediately change my playlist =="
Isn't that strange? XD
I made a new graphic... I was too lazy to make to whole layout, so I just changed the header. I also made some Hakuei icons. I liked one of them so much that i thought i will use it. It's my first non-Riku icon! XDDD haha ^^"
I think I need a new wallpaper XDD
Jaaaaaa, ne~! ^^
It all started from jrock RPG, where I wanted to play someone I've never played before. I needed someone with a really strong character, and i wanted to play a really hot seme this time XD After about three minutes of thinking who'd fit, I came up with Hakuei. I HAVEN'T KNEW HIM. I just knew how does he look like, and thought that his image fits my imaginations, so I've chosen him as my character.
And since that time, I totally fell in love with his appearance XD
Oh, come on, how could I NOT like him if he looks like THAT.
While registering at the RPG, I had no idea how does he sing like. i must say that i am quite shocked. I listened to few penicillin albums and his solo works, and..I can't understand how can be possible that a guy with a badass-image like Hakuei has such a high-ranged, soft voice O_o" it just doesn't fit him in my opinion.. the voice sounds good, but when I remind myself that it's Hakuei's singing, I immediately change my playlist =="
Isn't that strange? XD
I made a new graphic... I was too lazy to make to whole layout, so I just changed the header. I also made some Hakuei icons. I liked one of them so much that i thought i will use it. It's my first non-Riku icon! XDDD haha ^^"
( icons )
I think I need a new wallpaper XDD
Jaaaaaa, ne~! ^^
14 December 2007 @ 04:57 pm
Hi..
I decided to write after that terribly long time of not being here.
Why when you're looking forward to something, it goes wrong?
If there is a god or fate, it hates me.
Everything goes in the wrong direction.
My birthday.
Visiting my old "friend".
School, where I can not pass from three subjects.
Lack of money, when I really need them.. but not for myself.
Some kind of loneliness. But I make the distance between me and my friends so I should not complain about it, shouldn't I?
Of course, there are good things too.
I bought pretty earings. And two rings.
my chariots single arrived.
my nails are long again.
and...erm..perhaps.. I have nice wallpaper?
Shit. Why everything that makes you happy has to be erased by all the things that you hate?
Sorry about this entry. But I really had to.
I decided to write after that terribly long time of not being here.
Why when you're looking forward to something, it goes wrong?
If there is a god or fate, it hates me.
Everything goes in the wrong direction.
My birthday.
Visiting my old "friend".
School, where I can not pass from three subjects.
Lack of money, when I really need them.. but not for myself.
Some kind of loneliness. But I make the distance between me and my friends so I should not complain about it, shouldn't I?
Of course, there are good things too.
I bought pretty earings. And two rings.
my chariots single arrived.
my nails are long again.
and...erm..perhaps.. I have nice wallpaper?
Shit. Why everything that makes you happy has to be erased by all the things that you hate?
Sorry about this entry. But I really had to.
06 December 2007 @ 02:48 pm
Entry made just to let you know i'm alive.
Far away, long ago
Glowing dim as an ember,
Things my heart used to know,
Once upon a December..
It's december already?
Wow. The time goes so fast.
EDIT:
I was bored.
Far away, long ago
Glowing dim as an ember,
Things my heart used to know,
Once upon a December..
It's december already?
Wow. The time goes so fast.
EDIT:
I was bored.
26 November 2007 @ 03:53 pm
Sooo as you can see I made a new lay.
I like it a lot more than the previous one.. It just looks better for me xD Too bad that it's only few colors here but I will get used to it. Darkness was awaken once more, haha XDD I feel like about two years ago when everything I had was black. All my blogs, notebooks, pens, everything. And clothes, of course, but I still can't wear other colors xP [Besides purple, as I mentioned some time ago XD]
Ah, just memories.
Yesterday I talked on the phone withmago_chan for the first time XD Haha, it was so entertaining..we finally had time to explain everything to ourselves, share our opinions and so on. Writting everything we were talkig about in e-mail would be HAAAARD. I LOVE someone who the mobile was invented by XD That made me really happy... good to know that you have friends somewhere^^
Another thing that recently makes me happy is a Chariots single *^^* Here I would like to thank a thousand timessilly_god_disc0, who oredered it for me. You made my day, night and whole weekend <3
Weather is still crazy. Today there is a fog in whole city O_o" And yesterday there was a fog too, but only above the cemetery O_o" [From my window I can see a "forest" and a cemetery.]
And it's @#$%^&*( COLD. FEEZING. That's the only thing i hate about late fall/and whole winter- it's cold. And I lost my gloves somewhere >.<"
Talking about the weather sucks.
I just noticed that XDDDD
So as you can see I just wanted to make an entry. I felt like writting so here it is. XDD
haha, i am in a good mood right now. I dunno why, I just am.
If someone needs some positive energy, I can share ^^
Jaaaaaaa, ne~! ^^
I like it a lot more than the previous one.. It just looks better for me xD Too bad that it's only few colors here but I will get used to it. Darkness was awaken once more, haha XDD I feel like about two years ago when everything I had was black. All my blogs, notebooks, pens, everything. And clothes, of course, but I still can't wear other colors xP [Besides purple, as I mentioned some time ago XD]
Ah, just memories.
Yesterday I talked on the phone with
mago_chan for the first time XD Haha, it was so entertaining..we finally had time to explain everything to ourselves, share our opinions and so on. Writting everything we were talkig about in e-mail would be HAAAARD. I LOVE someone who the mobile was invented by XD That made me really happy... good to know that you have friends somewhere^^Another thing that recently makes me happy is a Chariots single *^^* Here I would like to thank a thousand times
silly_god_disc0, who oredered it for me. You made my day, night and whole weekend <3 Weather is still crazy. Today there is a fog in whole city O_o" And yesterday there was a fog too, but only above the cemetery O_o" [From my window I can see a "forest" and a cemetery.]
And it's @#$%^&*( COLD. FEEZING. That's the only thing i hate about late fall/and whole winter- it's cold. And I lost my gloves somewhere >.<"
Talking about the weather sucks.
I just noticed that XDDDD
So as you can see I just wanted to make an entry. I felt like writting so here it is. XDD
haha, i am in a good mood right now. I dunno why, I just am.
If someone needs some positive energy, I can share ^^
Jaaaaaaa, ne~! ^^
25 November 2007 @ 03:09 pm
24 November 2007 @ 05:49 pm
As the title says, my day was absolutely terrible.
Wel, it started quite normal...I thought that this is gonna be a good day, since it is Saturday and I got my voice back after a week...
my mum woke me up at 8am only to tell me that she's leaving, and when she's back, we'll go out to eat something, since in your fridge there was only light. I was angry at her that she woke me up, but i took my time sitting [honestly, laying- my laptop is on my desk, which is next to my bed :3] in front of computer, visiting LJ, DA or talking with people on MSN. It was ok, besides the thing that I started to be incredibly hungry and my mum still wasn't coming back. When it really started to piss me off, she came back. We decided to visit some dpartment stores, since I needed some clothes. But first, we wanted to eat. My younger sis went with us... firstly, my sis pissed me off. She was talking all the time while i was really hungry and in a bad mood.. and when I was tellng her to stop, she ignored me. Gawwwwd. Hate when people do this way. Next thing was... we have visited three different deprtment stores and EVERYWHERE there was sooooo many poeple... than I reminded myself that tomorrow is our Independence Day and all shops will be closed, and that's why there was so many people.
So there was no chance to do any shopping... our whole hungry family just wanted to eat something. But everywhere we went there were no free seats >.< And we waited for anything for TWO HOURS. TWO. HOURS. And we haven't got a seat!
We finally decided to change the place, with no energy to do ANY shopping. Found some restaurant where were seats for us, but we were incredibly lucky, since it was the only free one. And the food... tasted like plastic. I felt like it would be better to stay at home and eat all M&M's I had in my cupboard >.<
And one more thing that made me absolutely pissed: the weather. It was changing about two times in one hour. At 8am it was raining. Than rain with some snow. Next beautiful sun. When I went out, it started to rain again. And stopped when I went into the departament store >.< The wind was blowing really hard and it was only +2. C... so it felt really unpleasant. When I finally ate something, the cloud started to look a bit... scary. One part of the sky was totally blue, and the second- truly BLACK with grey clouds covering it slowly... it started to hail >.<" imagine that? At the beginning of November? >.<" And it was really big.. big, dirty snowballs. Gawwwd, just my luck.
Now, when I am sitting here, trying to make my mood a little bit better with watermelon flavoured loli-pop, it is snowing. Really heavily >.<
The only thing that made me happy in whole long day was SMS from mago_chan..
Gawwwd.
Someone, please shoot me.
I know that three people have tagged me with memes, I'll do them when I'll have some more motivation xP
Hope you had a better day than mine? [oh, it shouldn't be too hard...everything is better than THAT.]